An action or event marking a significant change or stage in development.
Since being diagnosed with cancer I have reached many milestones. All have been big achievements for me, all have had different feelings and emotions.
This week I reached another milestone...one that has been in the making since June 6th this year (2013) Before I go into that, I need to give a bit of a background.
Many of you know I returned to work in May 2012 after I went into remission on November 2011 from Hodgkin's Lymphoma.
It was a really challenging time and hard going. I had a 4 week phased return and a few weeks full time before the summer hols. Then in September I returned full time as before the hols and all seemed to be hunky dory. I hit the ground running with my work load and things felt like I had never been away. It did feel good to have 'normality' again and have those Saturday and Sunday feelings that had just become blended with other days after so long off work in the same 4 walls.
It was after Christmas though, when I kept getting cold after cold and flu which lasted weeks on end. I had some time off work which helped a little and I healed. As soon as I was back and feeling better, I started to bung up with a cold again and I was dreadfully fatigued and crying a lot because of it. I started to get loads of different symptoms and of course googled them. I convinced myself I was diabetic. (I wasn't and I'm not)
I made an appointment to see my GP and she sent me for a blood test. She tested my thyroid - which came back borderline and would need re-testing in a month's time. This was after I was panicked and frightened by the doctor's surgery, when the receptionist said firmly and in a warning tone, ' you need to come and see the nurse as soon as you can'. When you've had cancer, these words fill you with horror and fear that it might be back. When I arrived after driving 10 miles home from work like a maniac, I was told 'Oh you don't need to come see me now, what's the matter? just need to see you in a month....' Of course, you can imagine my reaction - I lost the plot and went on a manic rant about insensitivity and thoughtlessness. Later I was given an apology from the practice manager and my GP.
I digress.
Not much longer after this, I was still greatly fatigued and though I didn't know or recognise it at the time, my depression was back. Today, I can see how and where it had crept in but that's the sneaky nature of it - you sometimes just can't see the woods for the trees.
I went into work one morning for 8.30 as normal. By 10am I was home. I was full of cold again, aching and just a mess! I felt shaky, anxious behind the wheel (not me at all) and like I didn't know my own mind. I felt horrendous. My GP signed me off for a month in April and I was ordered to rest. Indeed I did. I seemed to go back to the way of dealing with my illness in the same way I did with chemo. Lots of sleeping and healing time. I felt like a complete idiot. A failure. I couldn't even make it to the milestone of being back at work for a year. Here I was. Who did I think I was super woman. What sort of super human did I think I was.
Now, I realise that doing so much at work and keeping on going all the time, I was striving to gain back the Liz I used to be, before cancer...but this has all become clear to me only recently.
At the end of May, I was feeling a bit more rested but still really tired and, well, frankly, disgusted with myself. I had gained more weight and felt bigger than I did when I was on chemo. I felt desperate. I remember crying on the phone to my mum. I felt so fed up and like there was no point anymore. I was depressed, felt huge, looked huge, I had no confidence, I felt useless and unattractive.
Granted, a lot of this was the depression talking. But I knew, I had to do something about my weight. I felt invisible and out of control with my eating.
My Mum talked to me calmly and tentatively. She suggested Slimming World. I felt my back twitch. 'Me - slimming world? How the hell am I going to do that?! I can't do anything?!'
Honestly that's how I felt.
I gave it some thought. How could I slam a suggestion from my Mum when she was trying to help. Surely I could give it a go and see how it went first before being dead against it.
I decided to give it a try. I was so nervous. I called the consultant at my local group and spoke to her about my recent experiences and how nervous I was. She was so lovely. Later that week I went and joined. A few days later I did Race for Life at Lister Park. I was walking it with my Mum and Melina and Jess was running it. I felt huge and uncomfortable walking around. Cameras everywhere and me knowing they would be awful photos. But underneath it all, I knew I was doing something about it now and that I was making steps forward.
The RFL was fab, as it always is. It was lovely to be surprised by my lovely friends Mark and Elaine who had previously said they couldn't make it!
After finishing the RFL I was so determined to do it next year, but run it. I knew that to do that I would need to lose the weight. I looked at the above photo and was pleased I had made the choice to do SW. I didn't like what I saw.
I had my target set and was ready to go.
I lost 6 pounds in my first week.
Following this, I maintained in my second week and then every week I lost something!
After 6 weeks of following the programme I had lost 1 stone. I was ecastatic!
Two weeks later, I was due to go to Spain for Raf and Rachel's wedding and was so happy I was already 1 stone and 5lbs lighter. We had a wonderful time at the wedding and I felt much more confident in public.
After Spain, I went down to Southend on Sea, to see Sarajane, Scot, Josh, Mason and Nieve. Many of you will know I made friends with Sj over Twitter. We both had the same type of cancer. We supported each other and became good friends during that time. Going to London by myself was a huge thing to do after all the things I had been through and I couldn't quite believe I was doing it! I got there and felt so proud. A few progress photos...
Sunning myself in Southend on Sea!
When I returned from my trip down south I was awarded my 1 and a half stone sticker and my club 10 !award (10% of your total weight when joining) I felt incredible! The support of the group was really helping me and I even made new friends :)
And so I return to the start of this blog entry...
The milestone is revealed. My 2 stone award is achieved and here I am in my charity shop bargain coat.
My confidence has soared and I feel so much better. I have more energy, I am dragging less weight about.
With a loss of 3lbs I was also joint slimmer of the week with Craig.
I walked to the local Co-op the other day and Anthony was shocked to see me back so quickly! Now that felt amazing! Worth every bit of effort.
I continue with this brilliant eating plan and its a lifestyle change I wish to keep.
Not only have I lost weight, but I have learnt how to cook! I always found cooking such hard work and boring, but I have become very creative in the kitchen and I love it now!
Anthony supports me 100%, as he always has. He even treated me to those lovely Ralph Lauren sunglasses in the photo you saw above when I lost my 1st stone in weight. He is happy to see me much happier.
I am seeing a psychologist now who is helping me with a lot of things to do with my anxiety that I still experience and is giving me tools to help me move forward. I continue to be off work until I feel ready and strong with my new skills of how to deal with problems and issues that may affect my triggers.
I am still on anti depressants and will remain on them until next Spring now. I am also the proud owner of a SAD lamp which I purchased from Amazon. I have been using it for 2 weeks and can feel an improvement. I have it on for 1 hour when I wake up, it turns on via a timer every morning.
The light is so bright and imitates sunlight, so you can't directly look at it. Here you can read more about Seasonal Affective Disorder. Although I have never been officially diagnosed, my depression and anxiety are triggered around the Winter months, so anything to help combat it, has to be worth a shot!
I toyed with the idea of sharing all this in my blog. Before, I felt embarrassed and unsure.
But I think sharing it with you all is a sign I am improving and on the up. I haven't bombarded my Facebook with my weight loss as I haven't felt like I have wanted to be so open about it, until now and I see this as a one off mention kinda thing? something that people can read when and if they want to.
I may have had a blip in April and felt like I was a failure, but I am truly not giving up and with support, which I sought after, I am getting somewhere. It's so hard to ask for help sometimes, but it's bloody brilliant if you can.
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