2011 - 2016

Five years. Hard to believe it.

On March 30th 2011 I was trying to process the news that I had cancer.
To read those words back is still surreal even now.

They say you don't know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have. This is so true. I was brave because I had to be. I was scared too.

I started to write a blog the day after I found out the news. I wrote about chemotherapy, hair loss, weight gain, anything I was thinking about that I wanted to share. It was like therapy and it saved me a lot of heart ache repeating things to everyone who wanted to know how I was.
I gained a lot of blog followers online, some became online friends, some I met up with and some I still chat to even now.

I read that blog now and some of it makes me cringe, some of it helps and some of it I can't even look at so I skim passed it.
I am still a member of the Hodgkin's Lymphoma support page that I joined when I was diagnosed. I see people joining the page each day, week and month, with all the worries I had. I give back with support now and again, but mainly, I try enjoy being free of any thoughts about it.

I balance my days with work and creativity. I still work in education, supporting children with emotional and behavioural difficulties. I love my job. I now work closer to home which has dramatically improved my energy levels and wellbeing.
My creativity flows through many things, I love to draw, paint, sew, garden and photograph nature.
I have more energy to do things, but this has only just become possible in the last 6-9 months. From 2011 until 2015 there was a constant struggle with fatigue. It felt like things would never go back to the way they were; always on the go, seeing everyone, doing everything I wanted without questioning if it would tire me out. But I had to accept that I would never go back to the old me. Instead, I changed the way I did things and became a new me.

I continue to look after my mental health as much as any other part of my health. The mind is something that many people don't have to think about caring for, very lucky if you are one of those people. I have a support bandage for mine in the form of medication. It's like a sore knee, work it too hard it becomes painful, but with support and care, it gets better.
Unfortunately we still live in a society where mental health is a taboo subject. I'm not afraid to say I suffer with depression. I get confused reactions from people, 'how can someone so smiley can be depressed?'  'But you're better now?'
I am very lucky to have a loving Husband who understands, is patient and cherishes me no matter what.

Anthony and I will soon be celebrating our first wedding anniversary. We are enjoying married life and continue to develop our home and garden together. This year we have plans to add more to our garden and nurture our surroundings. Ziggy, our cat, continues to let us own him. He currently sits on the arm of the sofa sulking because he can't get onto my lap. It's a hard life isnt it?

Simple things make me happy and  I will look at the pretty things around me and focus on all I have achieved.  Forwards not backwards.
And maybe a coffee with a slab of cake. Yeah!

Thank you to all my friends and family who continue to support me xxx love you lots xxx

After care

Ice bucket challenge yesterday :) 27.8.14

As I sit here, enjoying my breakfast, planning my day; I feel well, healthy and positive.
Rewind to this day/date in 2011 and you would find a different Liz.
In March 2011 I was diagnosed with Hodgkin's Lymphoma 2A. My world crumbled and I had so much to take on board - treatment plans, hospital visits, no work for the foreseeable, sorting finances, adjusting to a new routine, being stuck in the house, finding a way to cope, dealing with chemotherapy and the side effects of hair loss, fatigue, nausea, bone pain.
Depression was never mentioned. No one ever sat me down at any point and said I could get depression. Looking back I feel that some sort of heads up about what would happen after treatment, would have been nice!
There was anger, frustration, grief, I lost so much from gaining cancer. I had to endure so much after a clear scan 2 cycles into treatment and I was just left to deal with it.

It was a segment on BBC breakfast that prompted me to write this blog. Reports that after care for cancer patients is poor. If you could have seen me as I was watching the TV!!
Bursting at the seams I was.
I am so passionate about good after care. What exists is POOR and for some people I have spoken to NON EXISTENT.

Aug 2011

When I finished treatment - I actually missed going to the hospital. I didn't really want to leave after that last chemotherapy session! Despite everyone telling me I would be skipping out of there. Well I was so fatigued I could barely walk... but the feeling to skip wasn't even there. I was terrified.
Those 8 months of routine and care from the hospital was over. The system leaves you feeling like 'Well Liz! You're fixed, be on your way and see ya!'
 No one stood at the ward door and warned me... 'well - you think it's over, it's not. You're going to want to run before you can walk, you're going to strive for every bit of normality and it will fail.  You'll go home and feel like shit when everyone is telling you how happy they are for you that it's over now. You'll find comfort in food and become so depressed you will feel worse than you did before you started chemo.' There is so much more I could add here by the way.

Sept 2011

OK, no one can see the future. AND everyone is different, of course! But what about this treatment plan for something called WELL BEING!?? What about putting something in place where the patient doesn't feel out on a limb and so lonely that they feel the fight wasn't worth it. Depression makes you feel that way and as I type that a huge lump in my throat appears and I gulp it down.

If this after care had been in place at the end of chemo, who is to say that I would have had to endure such pain and misery for so long?

9 months after chemo I finally felt like enough was enough and had the strength to speak up and contacted Cancer Support Bradford and Airedale via the hospital. I was very fortunate and the timing was impeccable - there was a pilot group starting at the centre. I was invited and joined the group. There were 6 other people, all with different stories and experiences. All the same as me, struggling a bit and finding life after cancer bloody hard work. We talked together, we laughed and cried together. We took part in activities and we even stayed in touch between groups and some of us even now still talk and keep in touch.
The group was my key to feeling like I WAS normal. I WAS going through similar things to other people and it was ok to feel the way I did.
I was lucky to have this after care even if it was some time after chemo. I am so grateful for what CSBA did for me.

March 2014

AFTER CARE SHOULD BE THERE FOR EVERYONE.

The system needs educating by the people who have been through it.

The D word.

When I was first depressed in 2009, I didn't know it. I was extremely sad and down beat, but I just thought it was one of those weeks and next week or tomorrow would be better. It wasn't. I would still fester on the same things that were hurting me and the situations surrounding me that made me feel lost. I found a way to exist with depression - but looking back, if I knew what the signs were I would have gone to the doctors a lot sooner. 'Cheer up', 'you'll be ok', and the embarrassment of feeling so low and being so anxious to even explain yto someone why I felt the way I did, stopped me from getting out of the dark place.
The sudden loss of a good friendship - someone who couldn't deal with my mood, obsessive thoughts and crying - was a signal to me that I was in a bit deep. Not everyone is made to deal with high emotion and it's too much for them to cope and endure. It hurt me that this was their choice and it still does a bit now, but that's life I guess. Plus, It's in the past.

 In the months that followed, events in my life brought exciting times which dampened down the hurt, but it never went away.
In 2010, I went to see my GP. She was quick to tell me that the things I was saying to her and the way I was feeling, wasn't good mental health and that I was indeed depressed. I was given the option to take anti-depressants, but didn't straight away. After giving it great thought, I did decide to go for a very low dose of Citalopram.
I was referred for Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) and began sessions relatively quickly. CBT is a talking therapy which helps you manage your problems by changing the way you think and behave. I found it really helpful and would do my 'homework' that was set, often writing a diary and assessing my own thoughts on things. It took me 4- 6 months to break out of this cycle of unhelpful thinking. Most people who meet me can't ever see how I suffer from depression - but this is the clever mask! The mind is a clever thing and tricks your own thoughts to thinking, 'I'm fine!'
My cancer diagnosis came 6 - 8 months (in 2011) after I had discovered how to manage my depression and of course this news did have an impact on it. I was still on anti depressants and so the dose was increased to help me deal with the emotional impact.  But after cancer and into my recovery I slipped again and this time I turned to food as my friend. I comfort ate and I became dependant and almost addicted to the buzz and pleasure of sugary, fatty foods. The vicious cycle was in full force and with weight gain came more depressed feelings. Lack of interest and care for myself led to more eating and soon enough I was more miserable then was to start with.

Thankfully, I was able to find some strength and broke out of the cycle, somehow! It felt like the most impossible thing to do at the time. But encouragement from family and my Fiance kept me going and I took the right path which leads me to where I am today.

I guess my reason for writing this blog is to share the signs and symptoms of depression with you, from my story but also from the commonly recognised list....

 

Depression symptoms cover a wide swath of moods, emotions and behaviours that vary from person to person and range from mild to severe. They include:

• Loss of interest and pleasure in normal activities
• Irritability
• Agitation or restlessness
• Decreased concentration
• Insomnia or excessive sleeping
• Eating too much or too little
• Chronic fatigue and lethargy
• Unexplainable crying spells
• Unexplainable physical symptoms such as headaches or body aches
• Feeling hopeless and worthless
• Withdrawal from social situations and normal activities
• Thoughts of death
• In extreme cases, hallucinations and delusions

Underlined are the symptoms I had. It's shocking for me to see them and remember how desperate I felt.

I monitor and control my well being now. I know my slipping point and my own signs. I know what I need to keep on top of to make sure things don't go back there.
I do still take anti-depressants, something which sadly some do frown upon. We still have a long way to go before everyone will understand.
'It's a plaster for the brain' - once said by my good friend Sarah.
If you have a sore leg, you put a support bandage on it. My tablets are a support bandage for my mental health.

If you know someone who is struggling, (they may not be depressed... or depressed to your knowledge or even their own) sometimes a hug says all that needs to be said. Someone who is feeling down doesn't necessarily need all the answers to their problems from words you will say there and then. They just need to know someone cares.

Long time, no write! :)

It's been 6 months since my last blog entry. How time flies! And yes, I have been having fun, lots of fun.
The list I made in my last post, certainly has been my wellbeing saver! I have continued to look after myself well and do all the things I set out to do that would help. I am amazed to be honest. I look at that list and think, yes, it has worked and yes, it has helped.
 I must keep it up. In fact, I will definitely meditate this evening :D

I've stayed within my weight range at Slimming World too. I have been a target member for 6 months and I feel fabulous. I continue to go to group for the support and as a reminder to myself on that day that my wellbeing matters. I support others and share my experiences and ideas, I love it.

At the moment I am on my summer hols and have been making the most of the weather!

Week one: My visit to Oakwell Hall with Sue, Helen, Isaac and Evie

 I would highly recommend a visit to Oakwell Hall, it is beautiful.
http://www.kirklees.gov.uk/leisure/museumsGalleries/oakwell/index.aspx

Nature shot from Oakwell Hall gardens

I have also been to the East Coast with my friend Fiona. We had 3 lovely days out, visited Filey, Hornsea and Bridlington. We felt very lucky to have such good weather for the whole time we were there.
I enjoyed some well earned holiday treats and soaked up the sun. We walked to the end of Filey Brigg, which I haven't done before, despite having visited Filey so many times through my life. Maybe it's due to my uncomfortable feelings about the sea. Since being a child I have had a reoccurring dream about high tides. In my dreams I get swept out to sea and wake up as I am drowning.
On Wednesday when we walked on the Brigg, I felt a bit nervous! I was looking out at other people near us and thinking - well, if they're out here too, we will be ok?! It was quite comical. We made it there and back. Probably walked a lot faster getting back to the sand though.....

Filey Brigg



Filey beach. My favourite shot of the week. I love this kite!

I love photography!
My love for it has grown solidly over the past 6 years. I started out with a Panasonic Lumix digital camera that my parents bought me one Christmas. It had a large optical zoom and I loved how I could capture macro shots of nature and insects.
My photos were exciting to me and I would dash to import them to my laptop. Through social media and also meeting my good friend Mark Winterbourne, my photography interest has grown. I have more skills and my 'eye' is developing all the time. I now I have a DSLR Canon 40D and Light Room editing suite. I edit every photo I want to export - I never thought much to photo editing, mainly, it was the time and difficulty of knowing what to do that put me off. But, after Mark teaching me some things, I am confident with it now. I still have so much to learn!

I hope to capture some more photos this week - so hopefully I will blog some more.

What will this week bring....

Over the rainbow

It's Friday 7th Feb. Already?!
We've yet to have snow this year, usually we have had some by now.. but no sign so far.
As I sit on my lovely sofa, my cat Ziggy sits next to me, sunbathing; his eyes closed and his ears all pink.

I have already been out this morning. I had my psychologist appointment at 10.30am.
 My experience of this support has been mainly good. I started going in the summer last year (2013) and my appointments were fortnightly. My initial referral was made because I was having great difficulty with the psychological effect from having Hodgkin's. It has really helped me by talking to someone professionally.
From discussing my feelings and thoughts on my experiences, other feelings and difficulties would often come to the forefront and this would be very hard - emotionally. I would often leave the sessions with all my make up cried off! I think one week I went with no make up and ended up not crying. Typical! ;)
I find my mental health much harder to write about! There's so much I want to say but I am scared to, fear of judgement I guess.Writing about cancer was easier... writing about weight loss - also easier.
I think the reason for this, is that there is still a huge stigma attached to it. I can talk to people about my difficulties with depression and anxiety and when I do, it is very common that someone will say they have the same problems or at least similar. So why do we hide away?
Yesterday this link was all over Facebook and Twitter and remains to be - probably for a while.
http://www.time-to-change.org.uk/
Here, people all over the UK are making a pledge, opening up the conversation about mental health. I have made my pledge - to write more about my mental health and this blog entry is a start :)

Today, my psychologist signed me off! I have acquired so many tools from the sessions and have a better outlook on things surrounding my journey with cancer, but also to help my depression, anxiety difficulties and general wellbeing.

Things I am using to help me continue my current good wellbeing - at home but also at work.

*Mindfulness -  continue to refer to a fab book 'Mindful Compassion' By Paul Gilbert & Choden
*Relaxation - breathing techniques and meditation
*Saying NO to things I really don't want to do
*Maintain my protection area - this could be going for a walk regularly, talking with a friend, having 30 mins quiet time to think - it is important to do these things even if the mind feels busy, or I feel stressed and 'too tired to do that now'
*Being aware of physical changes in the body and understanding why they might be there - i.e. Hot face, red cheeks - are often a sign I am too hot! :)  I get warm easily and quickly! But it can also mean I feel uncomfortable or anxious. Using this awareness to understand my reactions helps to counteract the emotions and find a way to overcome difficult moments - combining this with the protection area mentioned above
*Be honest about my feelings if I am not satisfied/upset/angry, rather than hide the upset - it always comes back and often comes back worse!
* Put my needs first

For me to share this is a huge thing and even when I click 'publish' I will possibly still be unsure!

Leaving the hospital today, I felt like I was taking a step forward into a new chapter.
The sun was shining and I looked around feeling fresh and new.
I looked into the sky and there was a huge rainbow! It was amazing and put a huge smile on my face.

I hope that's a sign for me..... :)

thank you for reading xx

Been a while!

My last blog entry was back in November when I was celebrating my 2 years of being in remission. I felt like writing an update today :)

Recently I have been reading blog entries by my good friend Mark Winterbourne who is currently writing about his journey as he takes part in Leeds' Largest Loser. Mark is doing exceptionally well!You can read about it here.

I have also been reading Jill's blog. Jill has just started chemo for treating Hodgkin's Lymphoma. The same disease I had. It reminds me very much of my own blog that I wrote when I was in the same situation. Here is Jill's blog :)

Unfortunately though, some how, all my photos have disappeared from my blog, it's a huge job to go through it all and try to repair the damage :( But the main information is there for anyone to read who needs it and with 38,367 page views over it's lifetime it seems it has proved interesting reading. Yay.

So, what's happening with me then...
Well! I remain 2 stone 11 lbs lighter - after I joined Slimming World in June 2013. Reaching my target in the November I was ecstatic! Naturally once a target is hit, it's about maintaining that weight - not gaining! In my case, my body seemed to crave the healthy eating way and I continued to lose. This meant I fell out of range - when you hit target you must remain within 3pounds of target - above and below. If you do move out of the range, you have 1 weeks grace to get back on track. If after that week you are still out of range, you have to start paying again. I continued to lose, and it seemed that my body was trying to tell me it wanted more weight off.
 I therefore moved my target (SW stipulate it has to be at least 7lbs when moving target amount) and happily continued to eat the Slimming World way. Which I genuinely love!
On Thursday I hit my second target and I have now lost a total of 3stone 4lbs. Chuffed to bits!

I now weigh 12 stone 7lbs which is the lightest I have been as an adult.
According to BMI healthy weight calculator - I am still 'heavy' for my height though! Look at this!

BMI wants me to lose another 13lbs. I am classed as overweight?!!
I know many of you will have thoughts on BMI - I am intrigued. Please comment on my FB link.

Aside from the weight loss. Things are good. My mental health is much improved after working on my anxiety and depression through mindful compassion, which is something I am trying to do more and more - I want to be at the stage with this where it is second nature to me. It's not easy but it's my latest challenge.
I am now seeing my psychologist monthly. She is happy with my progress. As am I!

I continue to be creative as and when the moment takes me - which is really nice.
I have made some baby mobiles for friends - not for myself I may add (- yet!)

Anthony and I are really enjoying making our home 'ours' and we have recently decorated the living room and landing. We are waiting for Spring so we can start our decking in the back garden, as most of you know I am a garden lover and love being outdoors 'playing out'. Anthony bought me some fab ankle wellies as part of my birthday present. They're perfect for getting out in the mud :)

hope to blog again soon

thank you for reading xxx

2 years in remission!

On the anniversary of the day I was told everything was ok - what is commonly known as 'in remission' - I reflect on the past 2 years.
In the week where I was awarded 'Miss Slinky 2013' at Slimming World and when I reached my target on losing 2 stone 11 pounds; it's very hard sometimes to realise where I have been and how hard it's been. It becomes a huge blur....

The last two weekends I have been out with friends - celebrating a wedding and a birthday. Not only have I felt comfortable in my skin, but I have felt confident to speak and socialise. Things feel different. It's a combination of the weight loss and the improvement of my mental health.
Depression is frightening. It takes hold of you in more ways than you could ever realise. That combined with 'the cancer cloak' (described beautifully by my friend Joan Cox on my Facebook page last week) that has covered me for so long. It's been a long hard road.

Last night, so many things felt wonderful. The things that happened were blatant and clear and the most amazing signs that I have come so far.....
...The freedom to sit in a restaurant and feel enough well in everyway to sit there. To have the energy to hold a conversation. To look in the eyes of your friends confidently and not feel embarrassed and self conscious. To stand at the table in a bar and not feel tired after 2 minutes. To be asked the question 'Do you want a chair Liz?' and to be able to say 'no I'm ok thank you', standing there and thinking 'I am well!'
Things that most people take for granted I guess. Not me.

So today I count all my blessings.
Today I think wow!
Today I look around me and fill up with emotion - I am here, I am well.

November 2013

Dec 2011

July 2011

after Anthony had shaved my hair xx