Over the rainbow

It's Friday 7th Feb. Already?!
We've yet to have snow this year, usually we have had some by now.. but no sign so far.
As I sit on my lovely sofa, my cat Ziggy sits next to me, sunbathing; his eyes closed and his ears all pink.

I have already been out this morning. I had my psychologist appointment at 10.30am.
 My experience of this support has been mainly good. I started going in the summer last year (2013) and my appointments were fortnightly. My initial referral was made because I was having great difficulty with the psychological effect from having Hodgkin's. It has really helped me by talking to someone professionally.
From discussing my feelings and thoughts on my experiences, other feelings and difficulties would often come to the forefront and this would be very hard - emotionally. I would often leave the sessions with all my make up cried off! I think one week I went with no make up and ended up not crying. Typical! ;)
I find my mental health much harder to write about! There's so much I want to say but I am scared to, fear of judgement I guess.Writing about cancer was easier... writing about weight loss - also easier.
I think the reason for this, is that there is still a huge stigma attached to it. I can talk to people about my difficulties with depression and anxiety and when I do, it is very common that someone will say they have the same problems or at least similar. So why do we hide away?
Yesterday this link was all over Facebook and Twitter and remains to be - probably for a while.
http://www.time-to-change.org.uk/
Here, people all over the UK are making a pledge, opening up the conversation about mental health. I have made my pledge - to write more about my mental health and this blog entry is a start :)

Today, my psychologist signed me off! I have acquired so many tools from the sessions and have a better outlook on things surrounding my journey with cancer, but also to help my depression, anxiety difficulties and general wellbeing.

Things I am using to help me continue my current good wellbeing - at home but also at work.

*Mindfulness -  continue to refer to a fab book 'Mindful Compassion' By Paul Gilbert & Choden
*Relaxation - breathing techniques and meditation
*Saying NO to things I really don't want to do
*Maintain my protection area - this could be going for a walk regularly, talking with a friend, having 30 mins quiet time to think - it is important to do these things even if the mind feels busy, or I feel stressed and 'too tired to do that now'
*Being aware of physical changes in the body and understanding why they might be there - i.e. Hot face, red cheeks - are often a sign I am too hot! :)  I get warm easily and quickly! But it can also mean I feel uncomfortable or anxious. Using this awareness to understand my reactions helps to counteract the emotions and find a way to overcome difficult moments - combining this with the protection area mentioned above
*Be honest about my feelings if I am not satisfied/upset/angry, rather than hide the upset - it always comes back and often comes back worse!
* Put my needs first

For me to share this is a huge thing and even when I click 'publish' I will possibly still be unsure!

Leaving the hospital today, I felt like I was taking a step forward into a new chapter.
The sun was shining and I looked around feeling fresh and new.
I looked into the sky and there was a huge rainbow! It was amazing and put a huge smile on my face.

I hope that's a sign for me..... :)

thank you for reading xx

Been a while!

My last blog entry was back in November when I was celebrating my 2 years of being in remission. I felt like writing an update today :)

Recently I have been reading blog entries by my good friend Mark Winterbourne who is currently writing about his journey as he takes part in Leeds' Largest Loser. Mark is doing exceptionally well!You can read about it here.

I have also been reading Jill's blog. Jill has just started chemo for treating Hodgkin's Lymphoma. The same disease I had. It reminds me very much of my own blog that I wrote when I was in the same situation. Here is Jill's blog :)

Unfortunately though, some how, all my photos have disappeared from my blog, it's a huge job to go through it all and try to repair the damage :( But the main information is there for anyone to read who needs it and with 38,367 page views over it's lifetime it seems it has proved interesting reading. Yay.

So, what's happening with me then...
Well! I remain 2 stone 11 lbs lighter - after I joined Slimming World in June 2013. Reaching my target in the November I was ecstatic! Naturally once a target is hit, it's about maintaining that weight - not gaining! In my case, my body seemed to crave the healthy eating way and I continued to lose. This meant I fell out of range - when you hit target you must remain within 3pounds of target - above and below. If you do move out of the range, you have 1 weeks grace to get back on track. If after that week you are still out of range, you have to start paying again. I continued to lose, and it seemed that my body was trying to tell me it wanted more weight off.
 I therefore moved my target (SW stipulate it has to be at least 7lbs when moving target amount) and happily continued to eat the Slimming World way. Which I genuinely love!
On Thursday I hit my second target and I have now lost a total of 3stone 4lbs. Chuffed to bits!

I now weigh 12 stone 7lbs which is the lightest I have been as an adult.
According to BMI healthy weight calculator - I am still 'heavy' for my height though! Look at this!

BMI wants me to lose another 13lbs. I am classed as overweight?!!
I know many of you will have thoughts on BMI - I am intrigued. Please comment on my FB link.

Aside from the weight loss. Things are good. My mental health is much improved after working on my anxiety and depression through mindful compassion, which is something I am trying to do more and more - I want to be at the stage with this where it is second nature to me. It's not easy but it's my latest challenge.
I am now seeing my psychologist monthly. She is happy with my progress. As am I!

I continue to be creative as and when the moment takes me - which is really nice.
I have made some baby mobiles for friends - not for myself I may add (- yet!)

Anthony and I are really enjoying making our home 'ours' and we have recently decorated the living room and landing. We are waiting for Spring so we can start our decking in the back garden, as most of you know I am a garden lover and love being outdoors 'playing out'. Anthony bought me some fab ankle wellies as part of my birthday present. They're perfect for getting out in the mud :)

hope to blog again soon

thank you for reading xxx

2 years in remission!

On the anniversary of the day I was told everything was ok - what is commonly known as 'in remission' - I reflect on the past 2 years.
In the week where I was awarded 'Miss Slinky 2013' at Slimming World and when I reached my target on losing 2 stone 11 pounds; it's very hard sometimes to realise where I have been and how hard it's been. It becomes a huge blur....

The last two weekends I have been out with friends - celebrating a wedding and a birthday. Not only have I felt comfortable in my skin, but I have felt confident to speak and socialise. Things feel different. It's a combination of the weight loss and the improvement of my mental health.
Depression is frightening. It takes hold of you in more ways than you could ever realise. That combined with 'the cancer cloak' (described beautifully by my friend Joan Cox on my Facebook page last week) that has covered me for so long. It's been a long hard road.

Last night, so many things felt wonderful. The things that happened were blatant and clear and the most amazing signs that I have come so far.....
...The freedom to sit in a restaurant and feel enough well in everyway to sit there. To have the energy to hold a conversation. To look in the eyes of your friends confidently and not feel embarrassed and self conscious. To stand at the table in a bar and not feel tired after 2 minutes. To be asked the question 'Do you want a chair Liz?' and to be able to say 'no I'm ok thank you', standing there and thinking 'I am well!'
Things that most people take for granted I guess. Not me.

So today I count all my blessings.
Today I think wow!
Today I look around me and fill up with emotion - I am here, I am well.

November 2013

Dec 2011

July 2011

after Anthony had shaved my hair xx

Milestone

Milestone: An action or event marking a significant change or stage in development. Since being diagnosed with cancer I have reached many milestones. All have been big achievements for me, all have had different feelings and emotions. This week I reached another milestone...one that has been in the making since June 6th this year (2013) Before I go into that, I need to give a bit of a background. Many of you know I returned to work in May 2012 after I went into remission on November 2011 from Hodgkin's Lymphoma. It was a really challenging time and hard going. I had a 4 week phased return and a few weeks full time before the summer hols. Then in September I returned full time as before the hols and all seemed to be hunky dory. I hit the ground running with my work load and things felt like I had never been away. It did feel good to have 'normality' again and have those Saturday and Sunday feelings that had just become blended with other days after so long off work in the same 4 walls. It was after Christmas though, when I kept getting cold after cold and flu which lasted weeks on end. I had some time off work which helped a little and I healed. As soon as I was back and feeling better, I started to bung up with a cold again and I was dreadfully fatigued and crying a lot because of it. I started to get loads of different symptoms and of course googled them. I convinced myself I was diabetic. (I wasn't and I'm not)  I made an appointment to see my GP and she sent me for a blood test. She tested my thyroid - which came back borderline and would need re-testing in a month's time. This was after I was panicked and frightened by the doctor's surgery, when the receptionist said firmly and in a warning tone, ' you need to come and see the nurse as soon as you can'. When you've had cancer, these words fill you with horror and fear that it might be back. When I arrived after driving 10 miles home from work like a maniac, I was told 'Oh you don't need to come see me now, what's the matter?  just need to see you in a month....' Of course, you can imagine my reaction -  I lost the plot and went on a manic rant about insensitivity and thoughtlessness. Later I was given an apology from the practice manager and my GP. I digress. Not much longer after this, I was still greatly fatigued and though I didn't know or recognise it at the time, my depression was back. Today, I can see how and where it had crept in but that's the sneaky nature of it - you sometimes just can't see the woods for the trees. I went into work one morning for 8.30 as normal. By 10am I was home. I was full of cold again, aching and just a mess! I felt shaky, anxious behind the wheel (not me at all) and like I didn't know my own mind. I felt horrendous. My GP signed me off for a month in April and I was ordered to rest. Indeed I did. I seemed to go back to the way of dealing with my illness in the same way I did with chemo. Lots of sleeping and healing time. I felt like a complete idiot. A failure. I couldn't even make it to the milestone of being back at work for a year. Here I was. Who did I think I was super woman. What sort of super human did I think I was. Now, I realise that doing so much at work and keeping on going all the time, I was striving to gain back the Liz I used to be, before cancer...but this has all become clear to me only recently. At the end of May, I was feeling a bit more rested but still really tired and, well, frankly, disgusted with myself. I had gained more weight and felt bigger than I did when I was on chemo. I felt desperate. I remember crying on the phone to my mum. I felt so fed up and like there was no point anymore. I was depressed, felt huge, looked huge, I had no confidence, I felt useless and unattractive. Granted, a lot of this was the depression talking. But I knew, I had to do something about my weight. I felt invisible and out of control with my eating. My Mum talked to me calmly and tentatively. She suggested Slimming World. I felt my back twitch. 'Me - slimming world? How the hell am I going to do that?! I can't do anything?!' Honestly that's how I felt. I gave it some thought. How could I slam a suggestion from my Mum when she was trying to help. Surely I could give it a go and see how it went first before being dead against it. I decided to give it a try. I was so nervous. I called the consultant at my local group and spoke to her about my recent experiences and how nervous I was. She was so lovely. Later that week I went and joined. A few days later I did Race for Life at Lister Park. I was walking it with my Mum and Melina and Jess was running it. I felt huge and uncomfortable walking around. Cameras everywhere and me knowing they would be awful photos. But underneath it all, I knew I was doing something about it now and that I was making steps forward. The RFL was fab, as it always is. It was lovely to be surprised by my lovely friends Mark and Elaine who had previously said they couldn't make it!         After finishing the RFL I was so determined to do it next year, but run it. I knew that to do that I would need to lose the weight. I looked at the above photo and was pleased I had made the choice to do SW. I didn't like what I saw. I had my target set and was ready to go. I lost 6 pounds in my first week. Following this, I maintained in my second week and then every week I lost something!   After 6 weeks of following the programme I had lost 1 stone. I was ecastatic! Two weeks later, I was due to go to Spain for Raf and Rachel's wedding and was so happy I was already 1 stone and 5lbs lighter. We had a wonderful time at the wedding and I felt much more confident in public.          After Spain, I went down to Southend on Sea, to see Sarajane, Scot, Josh, Mason and Nieve. Many of you will know I made friends with Sj over Twitter. We both had the same type of cancer. We supported each other and became good friends during that time. Going to London by myself was a huge thing to do after all the things I had been through and I couldn't quite believe I was doing it! I got there and felt so proud. A few progress photos...     Sunning myself in Southend on Sea!     When I returned from my trip down south I was awarded my 1 and a half stone sticker and my club 10 !award (10% of your total weight when joining) I felt incredible! The support of the group was really helping me and I even made new friends :)   And so I return to the start of this blog entry...   The milestone is revealed. My 2 stone award is achieved and here I am in my charity shop bargain coat.      My confidence has soared and I feel so much better. I have more energy, I am dragging less weight about.  With a loss of 3lbs I was also joint slimmer of the week with Craig.     I walked to the local Co-op the other day and Anthony was shocked to see me back so quickly! Now that felt amazing! Worth every bit of effort.   I continue with this brilliant eating plan and its a lifestyle change I wish to keep. Not only have I lost weight, but I have learnt how to cook! I always found cooking such hard work and boring, but I have become very creative in the kitchen and I love it now!   Anthony supports me 100%, as he always has. He even treated me to those lovely Ralph Lauren sunglasses in the photo you saw above when I lost my 1st stone in weight. He is happy to see me much happier.   I am seeing a psychologist now who is helping me with a lot of things to do with my anxiety that I still experience and is giving me tools to help me move forward. I continue to be off work until I feel ready and strong with my new skills of how to deal with problems and issues that may affect my triggers.   I am still on anti depressants and will remain on them until next Spring now. I am also the proud owner of a SAD lamp which I purchased from Amazon. I have been using it for 2 weeks and can feel an improvement. I have it on for 1 hour when I wake up, it turns on via a timer every morning. The light is so bright and imitates sunlight, so you can't directly look at it. Here you can read more about Seasonal Affective Disorder. Although I have never been officially diagnosed, my depression and anxiety are triggered around the Winter months, so anything to help combat it, has to be worth a shot!   I toyed with the idea of sharing all this in my blog. Before, I felt embarrassed and unsure. But I think sharing it with you all is a sign I am improving and on the up. I haven't bombarded my Facebook with my weight loss as I haven't felt like I have wanted to be so open about it, until now and I see this as a one off mention kinda thing? something that people can read when and if they want to.   I may have had a blip in April and felt like I was a failure, but I am truly not giving up and with support, which I sought after, I am getting somewhere. It's so hard to ask for help sometimes, but it's bloody brilliant if you can.     

Week 4 - Write On Challenge

Turning Point


Lost in the darkness,
Fading in the light,
Wading through the anger,
Giving up the fight.

Painting on the smile,
Hiding with the pain,
Losing hope to live,
Giving up again.

Strength pushed through from somewhere,
Turning point began,
Losing all my chemo weight,
Had to be my plan.

Walking into the room
Scared, nervous and shy
Seeing smiling faces
Not wanting to cry

Out of the darkness,
Shining in the light,
Dancing in the sunshine
Winning my next fight!

Write On - week 3 - Heat

Heat

The furthest back I can remember such heat was when I was in reception class at Rawdon Littlemoor and we went to Temple Newsam. I have snap shot memories of this day. The first is feeling the heat on my skin and all the sights of people being warm. I can remember rolling down grassy hills like a sausage (no hayfever for Elizabeth) - to this day the smell of freshly cut grass reminds me of that day. I also remember a huuuuuuuge pig with big scary teeth. It did scare me at the time.
I can even remember having a packed lunch in my red postman pat lunchbox.

Other memories of heat, include being at Benton Park, my high school. Happy days there, I look back with a smile on my face. Many happy Summers from Year 7 - 11. My Summers meant sport, packed with rounders matches and athletics meetings. Me and my team mates hitting 'sloggers' and getting rounders. I'm sitting here smiling remembering Jo who always used to let go of the bat after slogging it. Good times.
Athletics meetings were always at South Leeds Stadium, with the occasional meet at Carnegie. The fun would start on the coach travelling there, excitement of being in our school team and feeling a bit nervous too. The heat of the sun pounding through the coach windows. Then arriving at the event and walking through the stadium, it always gave me a buzz. I used to compete in long jump and 200m. Loved every minute.

Write On - week 2 - Overheard

This week's writing prompt...

Overheard

The power of music... it always amazes me.
I love it when I overhear someone else's music playing and it takes me somewhere, to a place or time from the past or reminds you of something or someone.
This happens to me a lot when I am in my car. I can be driving along and hear a snippet of someone else's car music as we pass one another, or in traffic when a bit more than a snippet is heard.
The most recent time this happened, I was out walking and a car drove past me with it's windows down. The person driving was enjoying listening to 'You can't always get what you want' by The Rolling Stones, the choir introduction part. The driver of that car must have loved that bit of the song as much as me because they had it on nice and loud! :D It powerfully sparked lots of happy memories and feelings. Mainly memories of sitting with Anthony and watching the TV series 'House' and things that happened around that time in our life together. That's what I mean about the power of music, how from nowhere that one snippet can make you feel like you're back there. From that song, a domino effect of memories and songs, including another song used in the programme, 'Baba O'Reily' by The Who. As soon as I got home from my walk I put both songs on nice and loud and enjoyed!